You have to admit, the few short days that the 2010 playoffs have been in existence have spawned various and awesome Internet memes - #throwthesnake, Shane Doan's O-face and the Photoshop contest from Five for Howling, and Andy Sutton's classic interview with a reporter after his clean but rough hit on Jordan Leopold of the Penguins.  Oh, you haven't seen the interview?  What?  Here:

Pretty emotive for a pylon, no?  Anywho, it got me thinking... what if this wasn't a new quote?  Me being a history teacher, I find a wide range of stupid decisions to laugh at.  How about if Andy Sutton pulled a Quantum Leap?  More after the jump.

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Well, it's finally here...

After seven months of bruises, bloodshed and long evenings of confusion met by a longing sense of disappointment. Wait, that's the beginning of my review of the final season of LOST.  Ah, screw it! It works just as well for the NHL playoffs. Yep, the dress rehearsal is over, bring on the march to the Silver and the inevitable "Joe Thornton On a Milk Carton" / "Joe Thornton CSI" / "Where's Joe" jokes.

Now, I'm not one for these new fangled com-pu-ters so I've simulated the entire playoffs on my table top hockey game and the results will both shock and disturb you; much like Adam Lambert's career. In the interest of fair disclosure a  pop-o-matic bubblemay or may not have been involved while making my picks. Also, scotch. 
 

EAST

1.   (1)Washington vs.(8)Montreal     Lazy Media Headline if Caps are Upset -Les "Happy-tants"

Remember the scene in, "Fast Times at Ridgemont High" when Spicoli and Charles Jefferson's little brother total Jefferson's booster provided car and then disguise their misdeed by painting it with slurs directed at Ridgemont and Jefferson? If you've seen the movie then you know that Jefferson went on to have the game of his life. Well, let's put it this way: Cammalerri and Gomez better hope that Jaroslav Halak has at least 4 cars and a short temper.   Washington in 5.

2.    (2)New Jersey vs. (7)Philadelphia     Lazy Media Headline if Devils are Upset - "Devils Prongered"

The last time a turnpike series had the potential to be this ugly it involved Sonny Corleone going to kick Carlo Rizzi's Ass. Let's face it, "...it ain't personal, it's business." Pronger is going to be at his "Prongerish" and that's not good for anyone that comes across the blueline. This will be an all out battle. Richards crushing Parise, Carter savaging Kovalchuk, Dogs and Cats living together. But let's face it,  the Flyers have had  more goalies than Spinal Tap  has had drummers and just like every other year, it will be their downfall. Devils in 6.

3.   (3)Buffalo vs. (6)Boston     Lazy Media Headline if Sabres Win & Miller Steals the Series- "Miller's Crossing"

Dear Sabres, Hi. How's things? Maybe you havent' heard. You know, you been away for a long time. Tim Thomas dont' shine shoes no more. You know, Thomas did win the Vezina last year and looks to be rounding into playoff form. I think Boston's grit factor will play a big role here and the games will be low scoring with a lot of ugly goals. That's Boston's forte.  Boston in 7.

4. (4)Pittsburgh vs. (5)Ottawa  Lazy Media Headline if Senators Can't score - "Spezza is Fleuryous"

When I knew Pittsburgh was going to take on Ottawa again, I kind of pictured Daniel Alfredson turned around in a big chair a la James Bond Villain and when Sidney Crosby enters the room, he turns around slowly and says, "Hello, my old friend...." Maybe there's a slow clap in there somewhere. Let's face it. for every strength of the Penguins there's a counter by the Senators. This series is going to be like having to pick your favourite, Hall and Oates tribute band. You really don't want to but you'd rather lose a kidney than hear, "Maneater" again. I think this comes down to solid playoff form by Fleury and depth on the Pittsburgh forwards on the 3rd line. (Staal) . It won't be easy but Pittsburgh in 7.
 
 
WEST

1. (1)San Jose vs.  (8)Colorado   Lazy Media Headline if Sharks Lose - "Marleau Needs a Bigger Boat"

And 'lo from the West there arose a three headed beast. A creature so vile, so revolting that even Sean Avery wouldn't sleep with it. The beast's first head was possessed of a laser like wrist shot and release and took the name, He-at-ley. The second head was its heart and full of many eyes, able to see everywhere on the ice. It took the name, Mar-leau. The third head, the third head was the most feared of all for it was, uhhm, well, it, uhmmm, had uhhm, currrrrrly hair and, uhmmm, was really uh, ... awww, screw it. You know how this is going to end. Thornton will disappear but Colorado is still over matched especially if Duchesne isn't ready yet. Sharks in 4

2. (2)Chicago  vs. (7)Nashville    Lazy Media Headline if Hawks are Upset - "Blackhawk Down"

To be honest, I just like to keep saying Antii Niemi vs. Pekka Rinne. It has a real, Oprah, Uma, Uma, Oprah vibe about it. Look, these guys haven't played one another since December. I think anyone who says, Chicago's unstoppable two lines can defeat Nashville's immovable defense is sadly mistaken.Nashville is a hardworking team devoted to keeping their own end safe. The only problem is that Nashville doesn't put a lot of pucks in the net and Chicago can score in bunches from everywhere.   Chicago in 6.

3. (3)Vancouver vs. (6)Los Angeles Lazy Media Headline if Canucks are Upset - Luongo Sucks Balls (Penthouse Sports)

Vancouver may be #3 in the division but they only finished two points ahead of Los Angeles in the standings. Luongo isn't playing like Jesus with a blocker this year but the Kings have a rookie in the nets. Vancouver has scored the second most goals in the NHL but the Kings have studs. STUDS! on the backend. Los Angeles has young, talented forwards who jump on the grenade without giving it a second thought. If the Kings forwards were in Platoon they'd have died in the opening credits. The Canuck's weak point is going to be their oft injured defensive corps. You can't have Kevin Bieksa playing more than 18 minutes a night and expect a low scoring affair Bieksa is kind of casual in the defensive zone. How casual? He's 1970's promiscuity casual. Having said that, I think experience, more depth and a Luongo with something to prove will be too much for the Kings. Canucks in 6.
 
4. (4)Phoenix  vs. (5)Detroit       Lazy Media Headline if Coyotes Win - "Hell Freezes Over. No, Seriously. They Won!"

If my repeat viewings of, Karate Kid, The Fish that Saved Pittsburgh and GUS have taught me anything it's that everyone loves a Cinderella story. The Coyote's season has been almost Disneyesque. I'm surprised that Sandra Bullock isnt' at the games giving encouraging speeches and trying to adopt Shane Doan. Of all the series this is the one that gives me the most fits. Sure, Detroit has rocked the second half of the season and are coming into the playoffs loaded for bear but the Coyotes are still super defensive, super committed to their defensive system and they got themselves a stud in net. The games will be close and I think the majority of them will be OT finishers but at the end of the day, I think Detroit will pull it out based solely on the depth factor. Wings in 7

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Face it - the Central's one of the best division in hockey.  Three out of 5 teams made the playoffs (yes, I know four out of 5 made it in the Atlantic) and they all had to get over 100 points to get it.  Of course, the Western Conference owns the East, but that might just be my bias.  Anyway, with the playoffs right around the corner, I might as well look at the three teams who cut the mustard, as opposed to the two that cut the cheese.

Second City Hockey and On the Forecheck called a temporary truce to look at the 'Hawks and Preds in their first round match-up.  I thought this was especially cool of them, because no blood was shed.

Second City Hockey also asks the very important question: Who is your John Druce? Well, who?  Who's going to break out and b a beast for the Hawks, and then slink away back into obscurity?  And will they help your playoff beard (or legs) reach the distance?

Wanna put some money on the Wings?  Nightmare on Helm Street has the odds, and their own spin.

Babcock's Death Stare tries to explain the 'Yotes to Detroit fans.

Are the Preds prepped to take care of the Blackhawks?  As a Blues fan, I'm hoping the answer falls to "damn skippy."

That's all for this week, and remember... THROW THE SNAKE.  That is all.

The 2009-10 NHL regular season is finally over, and that means it's time for stats. Glorious, useless stats. Today's theme: goals.

First up, the top goal scorers in the league: players with 30+ goals.

• 24 players scored 30+ goals in 2009-10.
  
• 16 of those players improved on last season’s goal totals. 15 of them set career highs.
  
• Biggest improvement, this season to last: Matt Moulson, 30 goals. Previous season: 1. That’s a 3,000% improvement.
  
• Biggest improvement, career high: Steven Stamkos and Patric Hornqvist, 28. Stamkos went from 23 to 51. Hornqvist went from 2 to 30.
  
• Surprising: Jussi Jokinen scored twice as many goals (30) than Olli Jokinen (15).
  
• Amusing: After complaining about ice time and reduced production in Ottawa, Dany Heatley only scored 39 goals for San Jose - exactly the same number as he had with the Senators the previous year.

The playoff teams in the West have been locked up, now just a few moves of the order as the last few games finish up. Really the next few games just comes down to which team ends up playing the Red Wings and then which teams plays whoever else.

Michael Russo reports that the State of Hockey, Minnesota is supposed to host the 2011 NHL Draft

Yotesgurl would like to just forget about all the talk about Winnipeg and focus on the Phoenix being in the playoffs. She is also good with quasi-child nudity as long as it's used to cheer on the Coyotes

The Royal Half is having their 1st Annual Screengrab Caption Contest, winner gets some hockey cards from the '90s

Matchsticks & Gasoline has their season review breaking down the Calgary Flames players in a poem

Lowetide debates whether the Oilers should trade Hemsky in the off season

RudyKelly provides a Summer Guide for Ducks Fans

And since we're on the topic of off season stuff, a look at how the NHL Draft Lottery works; it takes place on April 13th

And lastly another NHL parody video via Couchtarts

"Ronnie, Brent, Richie and Mike. I run the Flames, who cares who you like...."

Yeah, "Duane" doesn't exactly cry out "..founding member of, New Edition." But who wants to wreck a sweetass lyric like that.

Besides,  thinking of Duane Sutter with a hi-top fade kind of makes me giddy.

By now, the chalk outline around the Flame's season has been drawn and Quincy, M.E. has been called in for the autopsy. Last night's loss to San Jose combined with Colorado's win effectively (mercifully?) killed Calgary's chances at getting into the Stanley Cup tournament.

So, what went wrong?

This was a team who most felt would not only challenge for the Northwest Division crown but stood an excellent chance of getting out of the Western Conference. The Flames have been ousted in the first round of the playoffs the last four seasons and now this year have been eliminated before the playoffs even begin. What makes this particularly vexing is that Calgary has steadily increased their payroll each year but not their final fates. Now, this off season, the mother of all questions needs to be asked: Is Daryl Sutter helping or hurting this team?

Calgary is at that, "oh so delicate" stage in the development of a professional sports franchise. Riddled with players who are commanding high end salaries but underdelivering on results, Calgary is going to have to decide to either weather the storm or cut bait and rebuild. They'll get no help with salary cap relief but at least the majority of their team is under contract. But on a team that has struggled so mightily to score goals why did Daryl Sutter add high priced defenseman, Jay Bouwmeester? Why wasn't more emphasis put on acquiring a number one centre?

Fair warning, I may not be the best person to bang the drum for the "Sedin for Hart" campaign. I'm going to come clean; I backed Crystal Pepsi, Adam Lambert and John Edwards. So, with the exception of a borderline flirtation with Meaghan's Law you can see I'm not exactly the guy to have in your corner, but the race for the Hart Trophy between Alexander Ovechkin and Henrik Sedin should be a super, mega, lock it down, done deal; Sedin in a landslide.

As the NHL season finally comes to a close and Henrik Sedin is 4 points up on Alex Ovechkin for the scoring lead and barring a giant comet hitting the earth, Henrik Sedin should be at least a Hart Trophy nominee and the front runner to claim the NHL's MVP trophy; a feat no Canuck has ever accomplished.

Let's break down the tangible:

1. Top five in plus minus
2. Played all 82 games
3. Leading the league in assists
4. Averages 19:27 in ice time making him 47th among NHL forwards yet #1 in scoring.
5. Playing with talent far less superior than the, "Murderer's Row" on the Capitals.
6. Scored more even strength points than any player in the NHL since Jaromir Jagr in 2001.
7. No suspensions or game ejections
8. 33 multiple point games
9. Without Ovechkin - Caps still avg 2.59 goals per game; tied for 20th in the NHL. Without Sedin - Canucks avg. 1.93 goals. That's dead last in the NHL by a long-shot. I mean dead. D-E-A-D. Like Erik Estrada's career dead.

Now, the intangible...

The Hart is awarded to the player, "...who is more valuable to his team."

Ovechkin has been out of the lineup with injuries and suspensions over 10 games this year and the Capitals have not missed him at all. As a matter of fact, you might say his absence has allowed the Caps to focus on building a stronger, deeper line up by distributing the minutes Ovechkin usually plays to the second and third lines. Are the Caps better without Ovechkin? No. Are they worse? No.

Now, apply that to the Canucks.  Remove Henrik's 106 points and could you imagine them having a year like they're having with Ryan Kesler as the number one Centre? Kesler is good but then look down at your #3 Centre and you see Kyle Wellwood and, well, you get the picture...

But even though the tangibles and intangibles add up to a Sedin nod for the Hart I will just let my good friend, Tripper, over at Camp North Star weigh in on the subject:

"And even if he wins, if he wins, HAH! Even if he wins! Even if he plays so far above our heads that the Canucks' noses bleed for a week to ten days; even if God in Heaven above comes down and points his hand at our side of the ice;  even if every man woman and child held hands together and prayed for Hank to win, it just wouldn't matter because all the voters will still vote for Ovechkin or Ryan Miller because they live on the East Coast and refuse to acknowledge this thing called the Pacific Time Zone.   It just doesn't matter if he wins or we loses. IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER! "

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Word out of Philadelphia is that the Flyers have signed goaltender Sebastien Caron in an attempt to plug the ever-leaking faucet that is their goaltending problems. Caron, 29, hasn't played in the NHL since 2006-07 when he made a cameo for 28 minutes with the Anaheim Ducks. He's spent the last three seasons playing in Switzerland.

Caron's deal, to be signed Friday, is for the league minimum of $500,000 - or pro-rated over the last 10 days of the season, approximately $25,000. Before taxes. Assuming he clears waivers, he would likely play backup to Brian Boucher. If he were to see some action, he would be the 6th goalie to take to the ice for the Flyers this season.

Caron would actually be the 8th goalie to suit up and at least sit behind the bench for the Flyers this season. That's right: 8th. Eight. The Flyers started the season with Ray Emery and Brian Boucher, claimed Michael Leighton off waivers, threw Johan Backlund into a game, and after he got hurt they had Jeremy Duchesne sit patiently until Boucher fumbled another game. Earlier this week the Flyers called up prospect Carter Hutton, fresh out of college, on an emergency basis.

So who's the eighth, largely unknown goalie?

That would be Michael-Lee Teslak of the ECHL's Wheeling Nailers. Teslak spent one day on the Flyers roster, backing up Ray Emery on opening night before being returned to Adirondack in the AHL.

You can order your official Michael-Lee Teslak #79 jersey on the Flyers' online store.

Ah, April Fools Day is here again and the truckload of fizzies have been delivered to the swim meet, 
the medical school cadavers are at the alumni dinner and the trees are filled with underwear. Good times. Good times.

Without any further adieu, here's my annual April Fool's Day, NHL style:

1. Atlantians baffled by prank full page ad in the Atlanta Journal-Constitution asking fans to come out to retire
   Patrick Stefan's jersey. Dozens of Atlantian's ask the same question: "We have a hockey team?"
2. Larry Brook's voice mail box filled with messages from, "Tohn Jorterella" with insider knowledge about the Ranger's new Mongolian prospect, "Ivan TaFukYrMuthr."
3. Mindy Cohn appears on NHL on the Fly and refers to Sean Avery as sloppy seconds.
4. Gag Montreal Canadiens Media guide refers to Scott Gomez, Brian Gionta, Mike Cammaleri as three apples high.
5. Sidney Crosby, asks Bill Guerin to "...salt the pass" Crosby falls on floor in laughing fit. Guerin goes back to reading the paper.
6. Matt Cooke beaten about the face and head by masked assailants with bags of oranges. "Ha, ha, now who's laughing, mothereffer!"
7. Phoenix Coyotes season ticket holder's renewal packages mailed out with complimentary mittens, toques and Zagat's guides/pamphlets to fine dining in Winnipeg.
8. Teammates bedazzle Alex Ovechkin's jersey with a large dragon and olde english lettering.
9. Gary Bettman holds press conference to announce plans for new aggressive, NHL marketing strategy. Involves showing NHL moments in reverse, slow mo. It's called, "The NHL Playoffs... Like sitting on your remote"
10. The Hockey News releases gag article in which Henrik Sedin loses the Hart Trophy because he has too many secondary assists. What? That's true? Really? No way? So, Sidd Finch!
11. Larry Playfair tagged to speak at National Air Traffic Controller's conference about how to manage anger.
12. The Edmonton Oiler's introduce their new mascot to the media. Plathey, the depressed crow.

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