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McLean's Hockey featured a delightfully catty interview with NHL commish/guy who never assumes anything Gary Bettman that's been the talk of the town today. It's certainly worth a read.
However, any time a corporate suit of Bettman's stature (metaphorically speaking ... he's quite short), completes an interview, it's necessary to "read between the lines." Don't worry about doing that yourself ... instead the crack staff at CLS will help illuminate some of the finer points of this interview.
Snark disclaimer: The remainder of this post includes unfair jokes and occasional ribbing. Proceed at your own amusement.
Our responses/guesses at what Bettman was really thinking are in bold. Keep in mind these are just snippets of the Q & A ... and also that this is all fake.
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Q: It’s been a tumultuous couple of years for you, at least publicly. Do you still enjoy your job?
Bettman: I love the job. I’m passionate about the game, and the people around the game, the way we as a sport connect with our fans. Every job has challenges, things that make the job interesting. I’m not exactly sure, by the way, that I buy into your characterization of tumultuous. That seems to be a little dramatic, perhaps media-centric, as opposed to the reality. But every business has day-to-day challenges, and that’s part of what gets those of us who work going every day. I mean, have you READ THE SPORTS BUSINESS JOURNAL LATELY? Mouhahahahahahahahaha (drinks from mug full of Canadian blood).
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Q: Based on feedback from our readers, it’s safe to say most Canadians don’t see it that way. A lot of them saw a struggling franchise in Phoenix, a willing owner in a proven hockey market and the league actually buying the team to stop that prospective Canadian owner from getting control of it.
Bettman: Okay, let’s look at a little history. When Edmonton and Calgary were struggling and there were other places that perceived they could do better because the dollar was stronger, we fought to keep them. Ottawa and Buffalo and Pittsburgh were all struggling and other places felt that they could do better. Luckily for us, all three teams had deep playoff runs soon after the lockout to save their teams. Er, I mean uh ...
... There was a point in the early 1990s when some said there was only going to be one team left in Canada. We never believed that, and everything we did with the Canadian Assistance Program*, and with the new collective bargaining agreement, was to ensure that small-market teams—particularly small-market Canadian teams—not only could survive but could be fully competitive. And that’s what you have.
* - Not familiar with "The Canadian Assistance Program?" It's actually just the increased value of the Canadian dollar.
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Q: And how is the search for a new owner (in Phoenix) going?
Bettman: We’ve actually just got it out of bankruptcy court in the last week or so. But we are in discussions with a number of groups.
You see, technically speaking, Zero is a number.
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Q: Is there no sense among owners that the goose that lays the golden egg is in southern Ontario, waiting for you to take it—for the league to have another very profitable franchise?
Bettman: You assume a lot of things. You may be right on all of them, but they’re all assumptions that haven’t been studied. I mean, what is reality, really? Personally, I assume that once I die I'll be reincarnated as a bald eagle. See, when you assume it really does "make an ASS out of U and ME," doesn't it?
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Q: The legal files and the legal strategy that suggested that [Balsille] was unsuitable as an owner. That wasn’t personal?
Bettman: Not by me. The owners decided they didn’t want him as a partner.
I will admit, however, that when I sent the Balsille family those blankets laced with H1N1 ... yeah, that was pretty personal.
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Q: You were booed when you presented the Stanley Cup—and that was in the United States.
Bettman: I was booed presenting the Stanley Cup in Detroit to the Pittsburgh Penguins. Had I been presenting it in Pittsburgh I probably wouldn’t have been booed.
CLS: Hahahahahahahahaha!
Oh, Gare. You kill us sometimes. How about you run a little scientific experiment, then? Next time a road team wins the Stanley Cup, stay out of the spotlight and just send out that Chris Pronger-looking dude who takes care of the Cup. See if the fans boo him.
No, really, if you could get around to not ruining a great moment for fans we'd really appreciate it. Thanks!
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Q: Is it true you ran into [Balsille] in the bathroom at the courthouse in Phoenix?
Bettman: Yeah. I said, “Oh, hello.” I mean, where else should you be more cordial than in the restroom?
I'd also like to point out that it really is thoughtful and progressive that the city of Phoenix added eunuch-accessible bathrooms ...
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